Sunday, August 22, 2010

Silence Revisited

Mementomori1Image via Wikipedia
I hope some of you have the God given sense to at least try the “silence” test that I posted about last month. I can’t seem to keep my mouth shut, and it just seems to dig holes for me. The people I feel the most for, seem to have less and less respect for me as I age, even though I have given most of my time for them at the drop of a hat, and sacrificed more than any man should ever have to. I have done that and numerous other things that sapped me of my life force, and emotions for over a year dealing with the death of my parents. I took care of it all; no one had to raise a hand, unless they wanted. I did it all, I shouldered it, and carried my own cross and several others, and have never had a thank you thrown my way except from my sister who seems to understand the strength it took to do what I did. Everyone else is just blind to what I went through, or just don’t give a shit. Well I am slowly learning that if I would just keep my mouth shut, things would be fine so it’s nothing but my fault, so I blame me and myself only. My brother and sister are there for me, and I know that, but they are not here, so I can’t really get help from them, so I rely on strangers, and I guess that really brings me down. When my brother and sister are in, the last thing I want is to ask them to help me with work or other things that would take their time that they have to visit, and relax….they come here to unwind, and I would not have it any other way, so that is that.  I guess I really just need to get this off my chest without talking, so this is my only outlet, the internet world were I can vent and no one really cares, so thanks for listening. :) Until next time, get off your ass and plant something!
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  1. Chris,
    I suppose as long as you have known me my post here will come as no surprise. :)
    I think of your parents often, what a tragic loss for anyone let alone a child to have to face. I wish it were in my power to redo bad days for people, if so I would re-do some for you and take this grief. I can't do that but I do pray for you.

    My life has had many facets, as every person does. I have always had a close friendship and relationship with the Lord. Sometimes it was my choice and other times it was the result of parenting, teaching, training and rules but always it has served me well. There were a few years when I decided to try living life under my own power, I thought for once instead of being the oddball, the freak, and the one that people poked fun at, I would fit in with my peers - Those were dark times in my life. I found little peace, hope, happiness and contentment during those days. What I found was a sense of false pleasure that faded when the crowds had disipated and the party was over. At some point I realized my only true happiness had been in living a life in which Jesus Christ was the focus, not a sideline, not something extra but the center and I began a journey to fulfillment, one where my very being revolves around my friendship and relationship with God - I just tell you this because I know that in the worst of times you need a friend who is always there, one who never lets you down. That friend for me has been Jesus Christ - I have had a blessed life but I have had bad days just like you. I've had days when I didn't know how I would manage to struggle through. In those dark days I found my friend to be constant, a source of hope and strength. I wouldn't trade my relationship with Him for anything the world has to offer. Many people have a relationship with the Lord but He isn't their all and all, He's more like side item- Life is the focus but I promise you this when He's my focus it's clear to me that life's problems are easier to handle in His care. I don't say this because I think you don't know Him but only to remind you as we all need to be reminded sometimes that he loves you and will be a friend who sticks closer than a brother. When you are down and discouraged you can turn to Him and find peace, comfort and healing.
    When you think you are alone I will tell you that God is watching, many days in the past year Thomas has spent time in prayer for you, he has told me several times that you are on his mind and he's been praying for you.
    Keep your chin up, there are people who care but more importantly a God who cares.

  2. Thanks Tammy, I really care deeply for you both probably more than you know, I have never been a religious person, but I am very spiritual and I think that is the way God wants me. I do spend time in prayer and he has really helped me, but sometimes I lose my way just like everyone else.
    I appreciate your comment I wish more people would take your lead, It makes me feel better knowing that someone has actually read this and understood.